There aren’t many things Adam Walton and I agree on. He insists on being “Dad” whenever we play House, and makes me sleep on the couch after a drink because my snoring keeps him awake. But one thing we do agree on: Liverpool have had better seasons… and Battle of the Bands competitions suck.
So how the hell did I end up sat on a judging panel, sneering like a bald Simon Cowell at a parade of hopefuls all vying for the coveted “Best Band” crown? Who am I to decide whether one band is better than another? Sure, some are — but it’s all down to taste. One man’s Stuntface is another woman’s JLS.
Why Battles of the Bands Suck
I’ve never entered one myself, though when I managed Pocket Venus I did once sign them up for a competition in Ellesmere Port. I encouraged them to trash the brand-new drum kit provided for the evening. Cue chaos: fists flying, finger-pointing, boos, jeers… and, unsurprisingly, no victory. But that’s the point — these nights aren’t about the music, they’re about how many mates you can bus in to scream the loudest.
Do I blame bands for entering? Not really. The organisers dangle carrots: a slot at Glastonbury, opening a muddy Tuesday morning tent to a couple of bemused dairy cows; a day in a “recording studio” canteen; maybe a month’s supply of Big Macs. Who wouldn’t be tempted?
The Llandudno Experience
So when Cumi phoned asking if I’d judge one of these things at Venue Cymru in Llandudno, I reluctantly said yes. To be fair, there
are positives. The bands get to play on a big stage with pro sound and lights in front of 650 people — for many, a first taste of the big league and an unforgettable buzz.
But the cons? The judging panel. Alongside me sat: the venue manager, a police superintendent, a BBC weather girl, a 70-year-old drum tutor, and his mother — the mayoress of Llandudno. Apart from the drum guy (and maybe the BBC girl), what the hell did any of them know about music? After our deliberations, it turned out: absolutely nothing.
And the Winner Is… Bemusement
For the record, Bad Dog won. The announcement came after Courteous Thief played a 20-minute set, the crowd buzzing with anticipation. Then:
“And the winner is… Bad Dog.”
Cue silence.
No offence to Bad Dog, but the judges were dazzled by a Guns N’ Roses cover. A cover! In my book, that’s zero points for originality. Why not just rename it “Battle of the Karaoke Queens”? For the record, Bad Dog are a really hard rocking band and are above shit like BoTBs. There are some artists who habitually enter these 'competitions' for reasons only they will be able to answer.
Still, I can’t be too bitter. I got to watch ten bands play their three best songs (minus the covers), which saved me traipsing around North Wales sitting through full sets. A couple of standouts even emerged: Jed is Dead and Y Cer. I already knew about Zebedy and Kixxstart Kitty. Future Perfect were quirky, Rumour and Longshot were decent, Whiskey & Lace were disturbing in all the wrong ways.
Final Thoughts
Would I judge another Battle of the Bands? No chance. But then again, who am I to pass judgement?
