Monday, November 30, 2015

I got this 'fantastic' offer today on the fax... So I looked up the company, found their fax number and took them up on their offer... They've not replied yet....

15 Crashtestdummy Rd
Colwyn Bay


Dear Sir / Madam

Thank you for sending me an unsolicited fax from your company

I feel I need to complain bitterly because I dispute your claim at being the best vandals in the UK as my younger brother is a master at it.

Only last week he managed to graffiti the inside of Colwyn Bay Police Headquarters, smash all the windows in an old people’s care home and ‘key’ eleven cars in one street.

I see you have the Citroen Berlingo at £239 - is that a figure he would get for wrecking the said vehicle? As there’s a showroom nearby and he could do 20 or so overnight and clean up (so to speak). Would the damage include slashing the tyres as well?

If you are serious about your claim about being the best vandals in the UK then I suggest we arrange a vand-off. Perhaps the first to make news in the Daily Mail ?

I await your reply…

Many thanks

Joy Milward

Monday, September 14, 2015

Food Waste Bags

Dear Conwy Borough Council,
I am writing to complain about the utterly appalling quality of your Food Waste Bags.
If I am lucky, I can get 1 in 3 three to snap off the roll intact and use, but even then there's a chance it'll be useless.
It states on the bag 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN & BABIES - DANGER OF SUFFOCATION' - This is surely a breach of the trades description act? As a child-minder I have tried several times to suffocate the little critters with your bags but to no avail, they are absolutely crap.
Please can you perhaps find a better quality supplier for your Food Waste Bags next year rather than trying to cut costs and still putting our taxes up...?

Thank you


Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Debt Collectors

I regularly receive this fax, it arrives the first week of every month... It's spam, and yeah I know we all have a need to advertise our products from time to time and it just so happens I needed a debt collecting...
So I contacted them...

15 Credibility Street
Colwyn Bay

First Legal Services (UK) Ltd


Dear Sir / Madam

Thank you for sending me an unsolicited fax entitled ‘Are You Owed Any Money?’

It just so happens that my brother borrowed £5 off me 3 years ago and has made so many excuses that I’m led to believe he is never going to pay me back.

He once lent me his pocket money (£3.50) so I could buy a Panini Football Stickers album (1989) on the promise that I repaid him an extra 50p in interest. I did this as soon as I received my paper-round wages (£6) the following week.

The sticker book was brilliant, but I never managed to complete it as Bradley Allen and Paul Parker were so hard to get hold of, and no amount of swapsies could get me those two players, which is remarkable as neither were that good really. I mean, I know both played for England at senior level, but they were no Lineker or Hoddle were they?
You wouldn’t happen to have either or both of them would you?

With regards to my brother’s debt, do you offer a roughing up service? Nothing too extreme, maybe just a facial scar or possibly a broken limb (preferably right arm).
I would still like the full £5 back with three years interest, but would be willing to waive the interest if he feels some degree of pain.

Many thanks

Ieuan Dai Tree

Then I realised I needed another debt collecting.
So I contacted them again..

15 Facsimile Grove
Colwyn Bay

First Legal Services (UK) Ltd


Dear Sir / Madam

Thank you for sending me an unsolicited fax entitled ‘Are You Owed Any Money?’

It just so happens that I am owed money by a company called First Legal Services (UK) Ltd who regularly send unsolicited faxes to my machine.

This has happened once a month every month for the past two and a half years, which equates to thirty faxes; or, if you like, a third of a ream of A4 paper.

Today’s price for a ream of A4 photocopier paper amounts to £1.48, so a third of this would be 49p owed to myself. I am willing to waive the price of the ink and the wear and tear to my fax machine, but as I have paid for this paper myself in 2013 I am going to have to charge you interest on the amount.

Using Wonga as an interest loan rate guide at 5,853% this amounts to a total of £71.69.
However, due to the high amount of A4 paper that has been wasted because of the unsolicited faxes sent to me by First Legal Services (UK) Ltd for the past 30 months, I now have Greenpeace camped outside my office in protest over the amount of trees being cut down to make paper.
The camp of four protesters has now been here for eight months and being conscientious, I have made them cups of tea three times a day every working day (5 days a week, ½ day Saturday) and I have also given their dog the occasional Chocolate Hob-Nob.
I’m willing to waive the Hob-Nobs on the grounds that dogs shouldn’t really eat chocolate as it plays havoc with their digestive system, which I found out much to my own detriment.
However, the average kerbside price for a cup of tea is £1.50, and I have on record that a total of 173 cups were made for the protesters over this period (it would have been more but one of them, Angel, had to help save a beached dolphin in Rhos-On-Sea last week).
This amounts to £259.50 plus Wonga’s reputable interest rate equals £10,125.69 making a grand total of £10,197.38.

Please would you be kind enough to begin proceedings to collect this fee from First Legal Services (UK) Ltd with immediate effect?

Many thanks

Frank Calabrese

Still not heard back from them....

Saturday, January 31, 2015

January 2015 - Record Haul

A bit of a biased month on the playlist front as I found myself consumed by Hookworms - both Pearl Mystic and Hum album - wonderful stuff.    

Monday, August 25, 2014

Fingertip Music

Amazing how technology moves at a pace... From the days being a kid with a tape recorder, finger poised on the REC button, hoping John Peel would play something recordable, to today, where you can get almost EVERYTHING that's ever been recorded - ON DEMAND...
It's brilliant... Also a bit sad, as a mission to fond something you liked or wanted, was part of the fun... Ordering 7" singles from dustbin record companies for £2 (including postage)...
Of course, ordering 7" singles (or vinyl) has once again come back into fashion, and I rue the hundreds upon hundreds of vinyls I sold on eBay all those years ago (despite the filthy profit).
Vinyl has taken such an upturn that I was at a gig the other night and the merch stalls all had vinyl (even cassettes!) and no CDs - also, the bulk of the vinyls come with a unique download code, so you can listen on your iPods etc.
Music is now at your fingertips -
Minus vinyl, the pic above is a 'scrobble' on Last FM that details what I listen to thru my PC... this is what I've played in the last 7 days...

The Woggles are an amazing 60s style US garage band I heard when listening to a show called The Three Chord Monte on WFMU radio in New York. I downloaded the show in November 2007..! Such is the saturation of music, that gems do go amiss.. Seven years to get round to listening to this show, and it was only by random on the iPod. Check the WFMU website, as this weekly show is still running, and each one is archived (almost 20 years' worth) for your listening pleasure and education.
This particular show came on in the car on the way to see Converge, Okkultokrati and Martyrdod in Manchester (review) - three bands completely unknown to me and three bands, whose music I now play regularly.
Another batch of 'new' bands in my world are Fat White Family, The Growlers, The Wytches, who I saw in Liverpool last week (review). Also Hookworms who were recommended by Andy Garside, who happens to be part of Drum With Our Hands label who have released the excellent EP by Wrexham's Baby Brave (review).
I also had a hardcore night in Chester last week, with Crossburner and a host of quality acts (review), courtesy of Footloose Records (of Flint) - some great noise coming from that neat little label...  (website)
And two artists regenerated and much to my own surprise and ignorance are Gary Numan and Peter Murphy, who, rather than cash in on the cabaret circuit are still out there releasing and touring new (and very good) material.

Oh... and The Holy Bible is 20 years old... the Manic Street Preachers' finest hour...

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Day16: Pussy Footballers

I know it's an easy and topical target but these cheating bastards are spoiling the beautiful game, it's not football it's cheatball. 
The cheats who go down as if they've been shot in order to try and get an opponent sent off. Where's the sportmanship in that? Imagine going down that easy in a pub in Rhyl.!! No ref to protect you there you fucking ponce...
When will something be done about this?
A one match ban? Pants pulled down in public? Made to wear a ballerina skirt and pop socks? 

Can we not kneecap those guilty?

And while we're at it let's stop all substitutions on 85 minutes...

Monday, June 16, 2014

Day15: Motorway Services

Did you know that when Motorway Services first began springing up in the 1960s, they were considered a place to take your loved one for a romantic meal..!!

How things have changed... 

You are the captive audience, you've driven for hours, you're tired, the kids are hungry - you stop at Knutsford Services, and the faceless fuckers empty your purse, steal your wallet and rip the shirt off your back.

In future plan your journey - living is expensive anyway without being blatantly ripped off by these cunts - fill up before leaving, make snacks, bring plenty of drinks and by all means use the services facilities that are free, like the rest area. And if you have to pay to use the toilet make sure you break something while you're in there....