📅 August 14–16, 2019
✍️ Spam Javelin on Tour
Wednesday, August 14 — Iceland: Land of Fire, Ice & Financial Ruin
“Fuck me, Iceland is expensive.”
That’s the quote of the day, folks. £32 — yes, THIRTY-TWO POUNDS — for two soups, a pizza slice, and three drinks in Reykjavik. Welcome to the financial apocalypse with scenic mountains.
The weather? -7°C with a North wind slicing through your soul. It’s too pricey to take any excursions, so we’re stuck kicking around the sanitised airport and watching our funds die slowly, like a Nordic noir episode in real life.
Thursday, August 15 — SPAM JAVELIN IN THE USA (Sort Of...)
“Shit a brick.”
We nearly made it into the USA. Instead, we got a free bonus day courtesy of time zones and U.S. Customs and Border Protection.
Apparently, we’re so punk rock that Homeland Security wanted in. We were detained, interrogated, and somehow they knew everything — even what songs we were playing. I didn’t know they had bootlegs of our setlists.
‘YOU LIE TO ME AGAIN AND YOU’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO JAIL!’ Yelled the Homeland Security guard with her hand on the gun holster.
My band, Spam Javelin had a mini-tour booked in and around Minnesota, supporting the mad-cap rapper Coolzey. I had initially met Zach (Coolzey) when he joined us in the UK on the Noise Annoys Tour (arranged by fellow raptor, Sleep Beggar). Zach and I immediately hit it off, sharing that same wicked sense of humour and a gung-ho attitude. So when Coolzey toured the UK a second time, he stayed at my place, we produced a brilliant video, played some gigs and he appeared live in session on my radio show. We also plotted a mini-tour of the backwoods of Zach’s home State in the USA. Now, for a band to officially go on tour, means forking out something like £560 per member for a working visa to enter the United States. This is an absolute No-No for a Spam Javelin calibre band as we’re not making any money on the tour (losing is more likely) and we’re just being paid enough for fuel, a bit of food and having the luxury of a couch or floor to sleep on. Many bands have toured the States this way; they go without any equipment as it’s all laid on. Coolzey hired a drum kit and a jeep, and we were gonna borrow the guitars and amps of the other acts playing the five gigs with us.
The authorities were waiting for us, this band of three punks, Spam Javelin, a massive threat to America’s national security. Big Brother no longer watches you, you do it for him by updating Facebook. We were pulled out of the queue before passport control at Minneapolis Airport and separated into rooms. At first I tried to blag my way through the questioning, but they knew everything about us, my nickname, Neil Crud, the band name, Spam Javelin, the dates we were playing. They were particularly interested in finding out who Coolzey was, but that information I did not divulge. When the threat of jail came I immediately capitulated, my first and foremost thought was Tracey, our bassist. She would have been sent to a separate jail and I could not bear the thought of her being incarcerated on her own, while drummer Llion and myself got down with the homies. The guard rail-roaded me into confessing as she was eager to get us back on the plane from whence we came as it was the last flight out of Minneapolis-Saint Paul Airport that night. The three of us were photographed, finger-printed and bundled back onto the plane and thrown out of the States and sent to Iceland to sort our own way back home thereafter. Subsequently we now have to apply for working visas if we ever want to go to the USA, even as tourists, and even then, we’re not guaranteed entry. It was a costly exercise, I managed to use my credit card and get us a flight to Copenhagen and then to Manchester, costing a further £1500. I later heard that gritty rock band Orange Goblin suffered the same fate, and they had even booked separate flights into different airports. Fuck Trump’s USA.
Long story short: they didn’t like the answers, or maybe the band name (🤘), and we got put on a plane BACK to Iceland. No gig. No pay. No love.
To Trump's America, from us:
Friday, August 16 — Viral Weirdness
Slept surprisingly well after all that — still trying to figure out what the hell actually happened in Minneapolis.
Turns out, we went viral.
A PR firm from Nevada offered $5K* for the rights to the whole story. Not bad for getting deported. Half the internet thinks it’s fake news — the other half wants the merch.
Meanwhile, we’re sat here wishing we were playing in Oshkosh tonight.
*oh ok... Phil at Louder Than War said he'd give us some headlines if we sold our souls to him
READ ALL ABOUT IT HERE
Takeaway of the Week
Bring extra cash.
Maybe avoid countries with Homeland Security.
And always, always keep the camera rolling — because this shit sells.
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