Payroll Number ZZZZZZ

 

Every workplace has a moment where you realise you’ve quietly stopped being a person and started being a system setting. It usually arrives sometime between your first laminated ID badge and the day someone refers to you as “resource.”

At school they told you the world was wide open. Endless possibilities. Follow your dreams. Reach for the stars. Then one day you find yourself in a windowless building being told, in a voice suspiciously cheerful, “If your console freezes, press Ctrl-Alt-Del.” Not why the console freezes. Not how the machine works. Just push the buttons and keep the line moving.

Your name might still technically be Joe, or Sarah, or Sam, but in the database you’re something far more efficient: 1234. A tidy little number that fits perfectly into a spreadsheet. Numbers don’t need opinions. Numbers don’t need creativity. Numbers definitely don’t need to ask awkward questions in meetings.

The strange thing is how quickly the extraordinary becomes routine. You remember the years of school, the exams, the talk about ambition and potential. All that time spent learning how to think, analyse, question — only to arrive at a job where the most valuable skill is remembering your password and not straying too far during your allocated break.

The break itself is a masterpiece of precision. Long enough to eat a sandwich, short enough to remind you who’s in charge. Wander too far and the clock becomes an enemy. Time, once a vast ocean of possibility, is now a swipe card and a countdown.

And yet, the job pays. That’s the deal. The golden thread holding everything together. The work becomes more boring by the day, but it pays. The phrase becomes a mantra, repeated quietly every Monday morning. It pays. It pays. It pays.

Years pass with impressive efficiency. Promotions arrive, not as bursts of excitement, but as subtle adjustments to job titles and email signatures. Your responsibilities grow in ways that feel suspiciously similar to your previous responsibilities. The machine changes; the button remains.

Eventually someone thanks you for your service. There may be cake. There may be a speech. They’ll tell you how much they appreciate the years you’ve given. Your best years, in fact. You smile, accept the card, and try not to calculate how many thousands of mornings began with the same alarm clock and the same quiet promise: I’m so happy. It’s more boring by the day, but they pay me.

And the truly unsettling part? You might even mean it.

What's in a (band) name?

Hannah of Bitchpups / Forgotten Sleep / Thyrd Eye

There is a curious ritual in the music industry, whispered about in rehearsal rooms and van journeys across rain-soaked motorways: the ceremonial band name sacrifice. A strange rite in which perfectly good bands quietly abandon perfectly good names in the hope that somewhere, in an office in London, a man with a lanyard nods approvingly and says, “Now that sounds marketable.”

And so a band appears on a poster with a new name and nobody bats an eyelid — except the poor sods who’ve been following them for years and suddenly feel like they’ve stumbled into a witness protection programme for guitarists.

Take the classic case of the band who were once Bitchpups*. Then they became Forgotten Sleep. Then Thyrd Eye. Same people, same songs, same van that runs on diesel and optimism — different name. Again. You look at the poster and think nothing of it. But had the old name been there, the headcount might have doubled. Because fans build relationships with names. Promoters remember names. Stickers get printed with names. And then one day the name is gone, sacrificed to the altar of “branding”.
(*arguably Bitchpups is the better name) .

You can practically hear the meeting.

“Love the band. Hate the name.”

A sentence that has probably destroyed more band logos than poor musicianship ever has.

Somewhere out there exists a shadow economy of bands who’ve renamed themselves in the hope of pleasing an A&R rep who may or may not still work at the label by the time the demo is finished exporting. The great irony, of course, is that this act of reinvention rarely results in the promised land of record deals and tour buses. What it does achieve is confusion. Fans wonder where the band went. Promoters wonder if they imagined them. Streaming platforms quietly shrug.

Meanwhile the A&R ego gets a gentle massage and the band starts again from zero.

It’s not always about pleasing labels either. Sometimes the name change is tactical. A reset. A disguise. A way of sending the same demo to the same industry gatekeepers and hoping they don’t realise they’ve already ignored it twice under different aliases. The musical equivalent of sticking on a fake moustache and re-entering the queue.

And why? Because the brutal truth is this: the number of bands who actually get signed is microscopic compared to the number of bands who exist. For every band you hear on the radio, there are thousands playing to twenty people in a room that has a dartboard in it. Thousands hauling gear up staircases. Thousands perfecting songs that may never leave their postcode.

The odds are so slim they make lottery tickets look like a sensible pension plan.

Which makes the name-changing carousel all the more tragic and all the more understandable. When the prize is so small and the competition so vast, every tiny perceived advantage feels worth chasing. Even if it means abandoning the identity you built, the one fans shouted back at you from the front row.

But here’s the thing: the bands that last rarely build their future on rebranding exercises. They build it the hard way. Gig by gig. Fan by fan. Room by room. The grass-roots slog that no marketing meeting can replace.

Because a band isn’t a logo. It isn’t a font choice. It isn’t a name dreamt up in a meeting room with free biscuits. It’s the connection that forms when someone hears a song and decides it matters.

Changing your name won’t manufacture that connection. It won’t conjure a fanbase from thin air. And it certainly won’t improve your odds in an industry where the vast majority of bands will never be signed, never be marketed, and never be told they’re “the next big thing”.

So maybe the answer isn’t another reinvention. Maybe the answer is stubbornness. Belief. Refusing to rename yourself for the approval of someone whose opinion is just that — one person’s opinion.

Because the bands who endure aren’t the ones who change their names to fit the industry.

They’re the ones who make the industry learn their name the hard way.

To drum or be drummed

I was reading an old review I had written many years ago after watching a nascent Impaled Existence turn their amps up to No.11, and it got me thinking...
There are two great tribes in live music. Two warring factions who have spent decades proving that moderation is for accountants and people who bring earplugs. On one side: the drum machine disciples. On the other: the guitar maximalists, whose life’s mission is to make sure the drummer exists purely in theory.

Let’s start with the drum machine crowd.

There’s something oddly tragic about a band with stadium-sized ambitions but a suspiciously empty space where a human rhythm section should be. When faced with unemployment, you might reasonably consider retraining as a drummer or keyboard player. It’s a stable profession, provided you don’t mind being replaced by a small grey box with a start/stop button and the emotional range of a microwave. These bands don’t just lack a drummer; they’ve eliminated the possibility of drummer-related excuses. No cancelled gigs due to mysterious wrist injuries. No dramatic fallings-out over tempo. No late arrivals because someone “lost a cymbal”. Just cold, relentless, perfectly punctual beeping.

And yet, for all the reliability, something is missing. Drum machines are technically flawless but spiritually unemployed. They never rush a chorus in excitement. They never hit slightly too hard because the crowd is bouncing. They never look like they’re about to pass out halfway through the encore. They simply exist, dutifully tapping away like an accountant doing cardio.

It’s rhythm without risk. Precision without peril. Bollocks without… well, bollocks.

Still, you have to admire the practicality. A drum machine never demands a bigger share of the van. It never eats the rider. It never breaks up the band because it wants to explore jazz. In the ruthless economy of touring, it’s the perfect employee: silent, obedient, and incapable of forming a side project.

Then we cross the battlefield to the other extreme: bands whose guitars are so loud the drummer might as well be miming in a different postcode.

These are the young, enthusiastic, slightly feral outfits who arrive onstage with fourteen guitars, three working pedals between them, and the firm belief that volume is a personality trait. The drum kit is technically present, often barely mic’d, bravely attempting to exist beneath a tidal wave of distortion. Somewhere back there, a human is working incredibly hard, but the guitars have formed a conspiracy against him.

The result is magnificent chaos. A rampaging herd of amplified chainsaws. A sonic avalanche that flattens everything in its path, including rhythm, melody, and occasionally structural coherence. It is loud in the way thunderstorms are loud: impressive, slightly terrifying, and not particularly concerned with subtlety.

And yet it’s still entertaining as hell.

The guitars thrash and roar as if they’ve received reliable intelligence that the apocalypse is starting in the car park. Every riff sounds like it’s trying to outrun the end of the world. The attack is relentless, breathless, and completely uninterested in pacing. Which, ironically, is the one thing both action films and music desperately need.

Because the best action films know when to slow down. They let you breathe before throwing another explosion at your face. The same goes for music. If everything is maximum intensity all the time, the intensity eventually becomes the baseline. The sonic assault stops feeling like an assault and starts feeling like the furniture.

But here’s the thing: sometimes that doesn’t matter. Sometimes chaos is the point. Sometimes the joy is in the sheer commitment to noise, the glorious refusal to turn anything down, and the absolute certainty that subtlety is for cowards.

So here we are, stuck between two extremes. On one side, bands so precise they’ve automated the drummer out of existence. On the other, bands so loud they’ve accidentally done the same thing with amplifiers.

Somewhere in the middle is probably the perfect live sound.

But where’s the fun in that?