Bruise Control / Fuzz Lightyear @ Big Hands, Manchester

 

Big Hands is such a great venue - it has cool staff and a cool vibe. Drinking our way there from the centre of town it turned out the first band weren't on until 10pm. So this meant two hours of supping and chilling out to the best playlist I've never heard... The tunes were perfect for the mood; all dirty, sleazy and all from the garage of life.

Fuzz Lightyear had played a festival earlier today and waded into Big Hands a little flustered, but were ready to rock and roll by the promised 10pm. I'm still pondering as to whether the name Fuzz Lightyear is pure genius or totally ridiculous - probably both. This doesn't detract from the fact they deliver an audacious sound straight outta Leeds. It's noisegaze, post-hardcore, garage-fuzz, call it what you want, I thought it was simply neat. Psychedelic intricate guitars are built around Ben Parry's distinct vocals and the band pull no punches. The recent expansive addition of Alex Calder on guitar / synth brings a hint of the direction they're heading and the destination is exciting. Their volatile debut EP 'Fuzz II' brought a welcome grunge strewn barrage of noise, but there is more to come out the Fuzz locker.

Bruise Control are on home turf and the cruise control is set to max. The pedal is rammed against the metal and there's RedX in the tank. The turbo-goths have necked a fistful of pills from their Nan's medicine cabinet, washed them down with cans of Monster and they're gonna get GTA on your ass.
Fronted by the cartoon character that is Jimbob Taylor, who must live in a tin shack, surrounded by chickens on the side of a dusty highway, Bruise Control rocked my world. They trashed through their repertoire, kicking, screaming, spitting and shagging. Your head is forced down the toilet and is repeatedly flushed as they laugh at your misery.
This is cowpunk hardcore nonsense for deadbeats - YOU are a deadbeat - catch Bruise Control on tour with Sniff in May.
I have just ticked a box I didn't have to tick.

This Town Is Big Enough For All Of Us - Sparks in MCR

Twice in a week I've been to a gig and been among the youngest in the audience...

Someone couldn't go and I ended up with a ticket and hotel room and watching Sparks at the magnificent Albert Hall in Manchester. Plus the added bonus of being chaperoned along the M56.

Sparks are not a band I've paid much attention to since being scared to death as a schoolkid watching Top Of The Pops. The image on Ron Mael's staring eyes and inscrutable countenance as he sat rigid at his keyboards would leave 'us kids' terrified. His Adolf Hitler 'tache and flick had you both laughing and being scared at the same time. His younger brother, Russell would be prancing about the stage as they mimed Beat The Clock.

Fast forward 40 years and little has changed... Ron and Russell are now 76 and 73 years old. Ron has warmed slightly, ditched the Hitler 'tache for a pencil version, and shows signs of being almost human. Russell is still prancing and pirouetting (tho they didn't play Beat The Clock).

Apart from the obvious song, I think I barely recognised another old hit and something off the new album 'A Steady Drip Drip' that's been receiving airplay lately. That's no reason to not enjoy the show... I loved every second and every element about it; from the secret bar tucked away at the back of the balcony, to the extended ovations from a rapturous audience, to the choice of songs from a back catalogue that spans half a century.

That's right... Sparks began at the start of the 70s as Half Nelson, and delving into that era, it's evident they were out on a limb musically, and have kind of stuck to it and let trends find them rather than the other way.

One funny anecdote, I always assumed they were German band...!!! Ha...!

Article I wrote for Rhyl Journal - Bistro Reunion

 

thebestvandals.co.uk

I got this 'fantastic' offer today on the fax... So I looked up the company, found their fax number and took them up on their offer... They've not replied yet....

15 Crashtestdummy Rd

Colwyn Bay

SP4 4FF

30.11.15

Dear Sir / Madam

Thank you for sending me an unsolicited fax from your company www.thebestvandals.co.uk.

I feel I need to complain bitterly because I dispute your claim at being the best vandals in the UK as my younger brother is a master at it.

Only last week he managed to graffiti the inside of Colwyn Bay Police Headquarters, smash all the windows in an old people’s care home and ‘key’ eleven cars in one street.

I see you have the Citroen Berlingo at £239 - is that a figure he would get for wrecking the said vehicle? As there’s a showroom nearby and he could do 20 or so overnight and clean up (so to speak). Would the damage include slashing the tyres as well?

If you are serious about your claim about being the best vandals in the UK then I suggest we arrange a vand-off. Perhaps the first to make news in the Daily Mail ?

I await your reply…

Many thanks

Joy Milward

Food Waste Bags

Dear Conwy Borough Council,

I am writing to complain about the utterly appalling quality of your Food Waste Bags.

If I am lucky, I can get 1 in 3 three to snap off the roll intact and use, but even then there's a chance it'll be useless.

It states on the bag 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN & BABIES - DANGER OF SUFFOCATION' - This is surely a breach of the trades description act? As a child-minder I have tried several times to suffocate the little critters with your bags but to no avail, they are absolutely crap.

Please can you perhaps find a better quality supplier for your Food Waste Bags next year rather than trying to cut costs and still putting our taxes up...?

Thank you

B.Wastraffu

Debt Collectors

I regularly receive this fax, it arrives the first week of every month... It's spam, and yeah I know we all have a need to advertise our products from time to time and it just so happens I needed a debt collecting...
So I contacted them...

15 Credibility Street

Colwyn Bay

CA5 H4U

First Legal Services (UK) Ltd

01.09.15

Dear Sir / Madam

Thank you for sending me an unsolicited fax entitled ‘Are You Owed Any Money?’

It just so happens that my brother borrowed £5 off me 3 years ago and has made so many excuses that I’m led to believe he is never going to pay me back.

He once lent me his pocket money (£3.50) so I could buy a Panini Football Stickers album (1989) on the promise that I repaid him an extra 50p in interest. I did this as soon as I received my paper-round wages (£6) the following week.

The sticker book was brilliant, but I never managed to complete it as Bradley Allen and Paul Parker were so hard to get hold of, and no amount of swapsies could get me those two players, which is remarkable as neither were that good really. I mean, I know both played for England at senior level, but they were no Lineker or Hoddle were they?

You wouldn’t happen to have either or both of them would you?

With regards to my brother’s debt, do you offer a roughing up service? Nothing too extreme, maybe just a facial scar or possibly a broken limb (preferably right arm).

I would still like the full £5 back with three years interest, but would be willing to waive the interest if he feels some degree of pain.

Many thanks

Ieuan Dai Tree


Then I realised I needed another debt collecting.
So I contacted them again..

15 Facsimile Grove

Colwyn Bay

CA5 H4U

First Legal Services (UK) Ltd

01.09.15

Dear Sir / Madam

Thank you for sending me an unsolicited fax entitled ‘Are You Owed Any Money?’

It just so happens that I am owed money by a company called First Legal Services (UK) Ltd who regularly send unsolicited faxes to my machine.

This has happened once a month every month for the past two and a half years, which equates to thirty faxes; or, if you like, a third of a ream of A4 paper.

Today’s price for a ream of A4 photocopier paper amounts to £1.48, so a third of this would be 49p owed to myself. I am willing to waive the price of the ink and the wear and tear to my fax machine, but as I have paid for this paper myself in 2013 I am going to have to charge you interest on the amount.

Using Wonga as an interest loan rate guide at 5,853% this amounts to a total of £71.69.

However, due to the high amount of A4 paper that has been wasted because of the unsolicited faxes sent to me by First Legal Services (UK) Ltd for the past 30 months, I now have Greenpeace camped outside my office in protest over the amount of trees being cut down to make paper.

The camp of four protesters has now been here for eight months and being conscientious, I have made them cups of tea three times a day every working day (5 days a week, ½ day Saturday) and I have also given their dog the occasional Chocolate Hob-Nob.

I’m willing to waive the Hob-Nobs on the grounds that dogs shouldn’t really eat chocolate as it plays havoc with their digestive system, which I found out much to my own detriment.
However, the average kerbside price for a cup of tea is £1.50, and I have on record that a total of 173 cups were made for the protesters over this period (it would have been more but one of them, Angel, had to help save a beached dolphin in Rhos-On-Sea last week).
This amounts to £259.50 plus Wonga’s reputable interest rate equals £10,125.69 making a grand total of £10,197.38.

Please would you be kind enough to begin proceedings to collect this fee from First Legal Services (UK) Ltd with immediate effect?

Many thanks

Frank Calabrese


Still not heard back from them....

January 2015 - Record Haul

A bit of a biased month on the playlist front as I found myself consumed by Hookworms - both Pearl Mystic and Hum album - wonderful stuff.